She is Just Not That into You

Hmph. Angela Bassett is 'red[ready]-to-go.' Credit: 2006 TNT Black Movie Awards.

Brother,

Women already possess a guide book, He's Just Not that Into You, a work that garnered critical acclaim and rose to the heights of awareness on the strength of the Oprah Winfrey Show. I have taken it upon myself to fill this absolute void and provide guidance directed at my soldiers that are still in the dating game. 

The politics are already difficult enough. First you must maintain the adequate level of self-awareness to identify the traits that you are seeking in a woman. Then, the female must be selected and approached, in an attempt to exchange contact information. This is about 10% of the basic operation.

As I shall reveal to you from the following presentation, merely extricating yourself from a doomed mission of pursuing a lady that is exhibiting no interest in you, whatsoever - is half the battle.

Do not assume that I am above the fray. We have all been there. Pining for a particular object of our affections - only to be rejected and shut down. Repeatedly.

I am presenting a basic algorithm, an ironclad agreement with self to be utilized so that you, the hunter may preserve whatever shred of grace and dignity that you may still have. Our model will also serve as a key deterrent of nuisance behavior that is directed towards my ladies on the dating circuit. The Game has been watered down with such a preponderance of desperate, simp-like behavior where large numbers of women simply reject random, approaching prospects on sight - preferring friends, family, and co-workers to vet all suitors.

Time is money. I encourage you, the reader, to seriously calculate the opportunity cost of chasing after a disinterested woman. The money spent and the time wasted could have at least been saved, invested, and compounded into riches over time. The lost-cause effort would be served better, if redirected towards bettering yourself and attracting other women that actually like you.

The economy remains in a free-fall, several institutions stand upon the brink of collapse, and sheer panic is the order of the day. Under the current scenario, a rise of parasitic behavior will manifest itself within all areas of society - particularly the dating arena. A well-to-do gentleman such as yourself will serve as a convenient target to pay bills, finance vacations, and manage car-notes. The emergence of Web 2.0 social networking has exacerbated the prevalence of these schemes.

You are sitting there on MySpace at the monitor with your pants down talking dirty to some female that you believe to have the face of Beyonce, the voice of a sober Whitney Houston, and the backside of Kim Kardashian. In reality, she is a chain-smoking greasy slob in Alabama, playing on her roommate's computer, and working you for Western Union cash. You, the sucker, ahem, gentleman forward this damsel in distress $2,500 to make rent and incidentals before she is 'evicted,' prior to the proposed, real world meeting off-line. Of course, you know how the story ends. The heifer vanishes, and you are steady at the computer awaiting a confirmation that never appears. Caught, with your pants down.

Stupid. Or as we say in Maryland: Steuuu-pid. 

Of course, there is nothing wrong with treating a lady and offering assistance to a friend in need. However, I must present particular situations in which you may very well be operating as a suited and booted automated teller machine.

The chief difficulty in regards to constructing this list was the actual ordering of these particular sleights. All of the highlighted scenarios present a general lack of interest that shall be dealt with accordingly. We advise that you, the smitten, bow out gracefully, preserving dignity, and retreating to greener pastures - shall our algorithm square with the prevailing message of disinterest.

Our strategy is divided into two sections of a top-ten list. The woman's demonstration of any action within our top-five red zone is cause for automatic dismissal. Man up. She is just not that into you, brother.

Spots six through ten are bleak indicators, but the situation is not without hope, if ONE of these characteristics were to appear. The caveat: this algorithm is contingent upon your own level of affection for the particular love interest. Wifey material? Then by all means, proceed with the pursuance. 

Regardless of sentiment, if two or more of any items on this list answer with the affirmative - you must exit, stage-left. Immediately.

Let's get to it.

Nos. Ten Through Six: Yellow Zone. Proceed with Caution.

'Acceptable' behavior only for top-notch Wifey types. Forging ahead in pursuit is debatable, contingent upon suitor's risk tolerance, i.e., pain threshold. 

#10 The Service Worker

This woman is automatically programmed to direct niceties towards you in exchange for favors, or cash. The gracious bank teller, bartender, flight attendant, or stripper dutifully hangs upon your every word - invitingly grinning at your beck and call. She must really be into you!

Not exactly. She is paid to do so, fool.

Her failure to exchange pleasantries with customers will result in either a lack of tips, or outright termination. Still, there is hope for you yet, and you may very well be her special customer. Investigate by requesting contact information.

If you are presented with a business card, email, web address, or a telephone number affiliated with a stage name such as 'Candy,' you have been had. You are a tool for revenue.

WARNING: Tricks appear at the occupations of pretty women daily, eagerly awaiting an opening in which to muster the courage for an approach. 'Can I take you out to lunch?' 

She gave you a business card. Take the hint and get lost. If not, you will be on the hook for regular $25 meals and $7 lattes - buttering her up for the next man. 

#9 'I have a Man.'

A: She may very well be taken. 

B: She is lying.

We present separate scenarios. One, she is not interested. Two, she may be on auto-pilot, reciting the famous line in order to guard her self from the dating underworld of lame suitors. If so, this tactic can and will be exposed with effective talk game. 

There will always be that flirtatious woman that will discretely make eyes at you - ignoring the significant other at her side. She may wink, flirt, move provocatively, or even slip you her phone number. I advise caution.

Perhaps her man is weak. If you take her up, she may very well dismiss you, the moment a better looking and more moneyed man than yourself shows interest. Perhaps you are just a pawn in the Game, used as a cog element in the relationship to retaliate against the ills of her mate. Perhaps her boyfriend is fresh out of the bing, carries a Glock, and will not hesitate to arrive at your doorstep and kill you over his woman.

Have a nice day.

Warning: Simps befriend the taken female, patiently waiting for the boyfriend to mess up - again, seeking to catch her at a weak moment. This never works.

#8 She Does not Talk

What is your name? Wanda. What do you do? Work. Where are you from? Chicago. Um er ah...Do you come here often? Yup. 

Silence.

Stop embarrassing yourself. I have witnessed this behavior in night clubs, on campus yards, on Chicago Transit Authority buses - basically within every public place that men and women interact. Dogged pursuit may very well score a phone number from this mute, but the situation is typically doomed from the get-go. Phone conversations are limited to unbalanced question and one-word answer sessions, featuring a blaring television and screaming baby in the background. She may break the monotony by randomly breaking into song. Her jam just came on the radio.

1: She is not into you. You are a prop for this attention seeker.

2: She is a total vegetable.

3: Maybe, she is a little shy. Just maybe.

The late Aaliyah indicated that we should dust ourselves off and try again. She may be shy on the first date. What about the next date?

Warning: You have been asking more questions than Anderson Cooper and receiving little attention in return at the club. A simpleton believes that the woman will be Blessed with the gift of gab if only he were to buy her a drink. She will drink her drink, feign attention to your routine, roll her eyes at your technique, and call her man to pick her up. You just wasted $30, partner.

#7 The Matchmaker

Do you really think this is a good thing? She claims you are a 'catch,' only to ease the blow to your psyche of any rejected advances. If she were really into you, it is doubtful that you would play in starring role in Token: The Certified 'Good Guy' Date to be set off on Dummy Mission Dates from Hell. 

She wants to hook you up with her cousin. A girl that has a 'cute face,' and 'good personality.' Translation: This 'date,' is either her sloppy relative from Alabama that dupes men on MySpace with fake profiles, or her forty-two year old aunt that hasn't hit the dance floor since Saturday Night Fever. 

Play it cool. Stick to the script and heed our algorithm. Action seven, by itself, may very well be a potential wifey-type chess game move. You know, the twisted manipulation tactic of a woman indicating that a particular act 'is cool,' just so she can lay in wait to rip you the moment that you execute said act. If so, reject the match with reassuring words of affection.

If not, hopefully her stable of friends look good.

Warning: Idiots get trapped playing the gentleman role, wasting time and money with an unfavorable match. Perhaps a double date will be proposed, and you, the twisted masochist that you are shall revel in the observation of the Beautiful Flower being captivated by another man while you occupy her obnoxious friend. Good Times!

#6 She is Always Busy

O.K. This female has three kids, is putting herself through school - medical residency at that, is redecorating the house, and putting in extra time at the shelter. She is allegedly always busy.

My good man, have you considered the possibility of this woman manufacturing an excuse to descend upon New Orleans to build habitat for humanity residences this weekend to be a total sham? You know, her boss just 'happened' to dump a stack of papers of work to be completed right this minute. Failure to do so will lead to the implosion of her firm, the bankruptcy of Kuwait, and total apocalypse.

Really? 

Kudos to the creativity of this woman. The 'washing my hair' thing is so - 1968.

She is not interested in you, brother. She has constructed an exit strategy to keep phone conversations minimal, and proactively intimate that the chance of scoring a date with this woman is exactly - nil.

Warning: "So -just, let me know when you are free." [How about, Never?] 

Nos. Five Through One: Red Zone. Totally Unacceptable Behavior.

Abandon ship. Now.

#5 She Never Wants to Be Alone With You. Anywhere. Ever.

You think things are going well. You have gone out on the town on several occasions, behaving as the quintessential gentleman. You have been pulling out all the stops - executing the certified Wifey treatment deluxe package. You really think that this thing could work. She just might be into you. I know, you want this thing to work. Your friends are aware that you want this thing to work. We have all been there. 

You have been gushing over this wonderful female for weeks. Excitedly telling the guys about her strawberry scent, soft features, and luscious body. Conveying the information in a sensitive language, yet with rugged masculinity in tact; we know that you are absolutely smitten.

It's closing time. It's time to close the deal.

Sorry, mate. Not tonight. She must return home to watch - Top Model re-runs. Yeah, that's it.

Warning: The over eager push the envelope and press the issue. The behavior runs the gamut from personifying a desperate thirst bucket - to a brief respite at Cook County Jail. Tiny, your cell mate refuses to acknowledge your government name. 'Bella' is a much better fit for you, he says.

#4. She Does Not Call You

See Number 6: She is always busy.

Even worse, she never calls you - yet she never does anything productive during her down time. She has been sprawled out on the couch, eating bonbons, playing solitaire, and sitting through a Jerry Lewis telethon all day. She will 'call you back,' she says. That is, assuming that she picks up the phone in the first place.

Funny, that things turned out this way, isn't it?

Remember how she eagerly returned your initial phone call - cheerfully and daintily panting, "Who is this?" This was before you identified yourself and she stored your ten-digit phone number, aka secret code for girl repellant in her phone.

"Who? Where do I know you from?"

"Oh." The electricity is drained from the conversation, as she recognizes you as the tired, wannabe Mack badgering her for her phone number while she pumped 93 unleaded octane into her Toyota at the Roosevelt Road BP. She will call you back.

Warning: You just keep calling every other week, leaving voice messages to 'check in.'  The jig is up, and you speculate that you are being purposely avoided. You then block your number, quickly hanging-up before she hears the Teddy Pendergrass wafting over the background. Turn out the lights and light a candle - by yourself. Lame-O. 

#3. She has No Intentions to Meet in Person

You actually think that you are putting in a strong bid, working the phone and/or Internet angle.

Ha!

Listing number three is the culmination of every prior ranking. She is a model service employee - incapable of mixing business with pleasure, her boyfriend is a suspicious lunatic, she has about five and one-half kids [her ne'r-do-well brother has moved in with her], and she barely talks to you. 

C'mon. This woman is not interested in any courtship. 

Maybe she will finally agree to a vague date 'sometime Tuesday' after months of politicking. She will then cancel, disappear, or 'forget' to return your phone call to solidify any plans. She makes no attempt to reschedule, or reformulate anything. You look dumb.

Know your role. You are a designated ego-booster.

Warning: You just wired this female your entire check. She didn't even have the courtesy to meet you in person to execute the transaction. Pathetic.

#2 'Let's Just Be Friends'

She sees you as a brother. You would really make a good husband. Best friends, forever. Two peas in a pod. Certainly, you are a great guy - and would make the perfect boyfriend - for her plain, beta female associates that she will gladly foist upon you. 

You see - it's just, she does not see you in 'that way.' She wants to be 'just friends.'

I am hoping that the situation would not deteriorate to this point. We have constructed the perfect blueprint to skirt such disaster. Please. Save yourself. For the Love of all things Sacred, do not let it come to this. You have been LJBF'd. Failure, but worse.

This is Death.

Your masculinity has not been challenged. Nope.

This is castration. Your precious boo is Lorena Bobbitt reincarnate - garishly butchering your manhood from your person, and tossing it out onto the Dan Ryan Expressway to be steamrolled by a procession of eighteen-wheelers.

You have been identified as a woman: a trusted confidante of which the object of your affections feels no intrigue. 

You already have enough friends. End it.

Warning: The Friend Zone is a Black Hole. This is the point of no return. Period.

We must acknowledge the inevitable. All womanhood will enter this thread, shortly, vindictively shredding this latest edition with, 'men and women can be friends' rhetoric. You know, the typical 'I have a ton of guy friends!' or 'Mike and Sally were best of friends before their engagement!' 

Do not buy into this talk. I got you covered. We are prepared to hold the fort and do battle. Yes, in rare cases, men and women can be friends. Yes, in rare cases, best friends do become romantic. But, I am addressing my dream-chasing brethren. My intent is two-fold: protecting these gentlemen from their own selves, and the reduction of irritating behavior that promulgates ill-will between the sexes.

#1 She E-Mails or Links this Article to You

Sorry, brother. I offer my condolences.